The Years of No Sleep

“As I’ll discuss later regarding how the autistic brain forms, once my child would wake up, it meant instant stimulation. We couldn’t just leave him alone, and this was especially challenging for my wife as our second child was on the way and after she was born.

For about two years, I would go into his room with the lights off or maybe a gentle glow light. I’d place my feet against his door and lay quietly on the floor. He would be up most of the night, as would I. At some point, we both got so tired that one of us would fall asleep. It was in these moments that I truly felt my child’s love for me. He would cuddle deep into my chest on the floor and finally fall asleep. I would have to get up in a few hours and go to work.

I was adamant about not medicating my child and fought against this idea for a few years. However, the lack of sleep was taking me to a really dark place. I remember asking my wife to please call the doctor for me as I was slipping into a deep depression. Eventually, we decided to try a super mild relaxant usually used for high blood pressure, along with melatonin. Finally, we all got some sleep, and my mental health improved significantly.

What’s really important here is that you have to watch your own pain and suffering as well. It’s easy to get stuck in the idea of doing the ‘right’ thing, doing the ‘kind’ thing, and becoming a bit of a personal martyr. In the end, I wasn’t helping him, and I wasn’t helping myself.

I do miss those cuddles a lot. It remains one of the closest moments I’ve ever had with him, even though we were both suffering.”